What Therapy Is — and What It Is Not: A Compassionate Message to the Parents of Adult Children in Therapy
By Bradley Bemis, MS, LPCC, ADDC, NCC, CLC
Therapist / Teacher / Coach / Guide / Facilitator
Awakening Into Life, Denver, Colorado
Introduction: A Difficult Door to Open
It’s not easy to be on the outside of your child’s healing process — especially when you’re also part of the history they’re trying to understand. If you’re a parent of an adult child in therapy and you feel confused, hurt, angry, or even blamed, you’re not alone. Many parents — especially those who love deeply and tried hard — experience a sense of rejection when their adult child pulls away, sets boundaries, or discloses painful family experiences in therapy.
This post is written for you.
Not to shame or scold — but to clarify, to offer context, and to invite compassion. As a trauma-informed therapist who has worked with both young adults and their parents, I’ve heard the pain on both sides. I’ve witnessed the deep longing for understanding and connection, and I’ve also seen how fear and hurt can turn into blame.
Let’s pause here. Breathe. This isn’t an attack.
This is an attempt to help you understand what therapy is — and what it is not — when your adult child begins a therapeutic journey you may not fully understand or feel included in.
The Question That Sparked This Conversation
This article was originally inspired by a question posed in a professional forum of therapists:
“I belong to another group with parents who are estranged from their adult children. A thread that I hear often is that today’s therapists are to blame because they encourage this among their young adult clients. What say ye here?”
Over a hundred licensed clinicians weighed in — therapists from all over the country, with different backgrounds and approaches. Many had personally experienced estrangement. Others had worked with adult clients grappling with family relationships. The consensus was striking and consistent:
- Therapists don’t encourage estrangement.
- We support autonomy. We validate lived experiences.
- We explore options. We do not dictate decisions.
When Parents Feel Blamed or Shut Out: A Familiar Pattern
Many therapists — myself included — have encountered a familiar pattern when working with adult clients who live at home or have a complicated relationship with their parents.
An adult client begins therapy, often after a long period of inner conflict or mounting distress. They start to speak — maybe for the first time — about feeling smothered, misunderstood, or emotionally unsafe at home. They might disclose things like substance use, confusion about their identity, or unresolved resentment toward their parents.
What often follows is a version of this scenario:
The client goes home and shares something that was said or implied in therapy — sometimes accurately, sometimes not. The parents become alarmed or angry. They feel blamed or accused. They question the therapist’s judgment. Some reach out directly to the therapist, demanding explanations or defending themselves against what they imagine was said behind closed doors.
In some of the more intense responses, parents express outrage that a therapist would “endorse” harmful behaviors, question their parenting, or offer guidance without knowing the full story. They may cite their own sacrifices or highlight that their other children are thriving. They may bring in outside opinions from friends or professionals who tell them, “A real therapist would never…”
From the outside, this might look like a crisis. But from the inside — from the therapeutic perspective — it’s actually the beginning of the healing process.
This kind of rupture is often a sign that a longstanding dynamic is finally being examined with honesty. The client is beginning to explore autonomy. The parent is beginning to feel the discomfort of no longer being the central interpreter of the child’s reality. And the therapist? The therapist is sitting with both — not judging, not blaming, but trying to hold a space where clarity, agency, and healing can emerge.
What Therapy Is
Let’s start here. What actually happens in therapy?
1. Therapy is client-centered. We don’t make decisions for our clients. We don’t tell them what to do. Instead, we help them clarify what they feel, what they want, and what’s getting in the way. That may involve past family dynamics, but the focus is always on the client’s present needs, not assigning blame.
2. Therapy is confidential. By law and by ethics, we cannot share anything with anyone — even parents — unless our adult client gives written consent. This isn’t about keeping secrets; it’s about creating safety for self-exploration.
3. Therapy starts with validation. Early sessions are about listening, not correcting. If a client says, “My parents were too controlling,” our job isn’t to say, “Well, maybe they weren’t.” It’s to ask, “What did that feel like for you?” Validation isn’t agreement. It’s empathy — the foundation of change.
4. Therapy is about patterns, not perfection. Many clients come to therapy struggling with anxiety, people-pleasing, anger, addiction, or depression. These struggles often have roots in early attachment experiences. That doesn’t mean parents are to blame. It means the client is trying to make sense of how they became who they are.
5. Therapy is trauma-informed. Many adult children begin to realize that what they thought was “normal” may have been damaging in ways they didn’t understand at the time. This doesn’t require a history of overt abuse. Emotional invalidation, chronic criticism, parentification, or unaddressed conflict can also leave lasting imprints.
What Therapy Is Not
And here’s what therapy isn’t — no matter what your child may say or interpret in the early sessions.
1. Therapy is not about blaming parents. We don’t take sides. We explore. We hold space for your adult child to feel what they feel, remember what they remember, and start making choices that serve their well-being. If your child feels hurt by your past actions, that pain deserves to be explored — not dismissed.
2. Therapy is not a courtroom. We don’t issue verdicts. We don’t judge who’s right or wrong. We look at what’s unresolved and help the client build tools to respond more effectively — with or without family involvement.
3. Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all intervention. Not every client ends up estranged. Not every client sets hard boundaries. Some repair. Some distance. Some return later with new insight. The point is: it’s their process.
4. Therapy is not quick. Clients may say things that aren’t fully true — or not entirely fair — as they process complex emotions. That doesn’t mean the therapist believes or reinforces those claims. It means we’re giving the client space to speak their truth without fear.
Why It Feels So Personal: The Parents’ Experience
Here’s the hard part: sometimes your adult child’s healing process will involve revisiting painful moments you thought were resolved or forgotten. And that can feel like betrayal.
Especially if you sacrificed. Especially if you loved deeply. Especially if you did the best you could.
Many parents understandably respond with:
“They’re rewriting the past.”
“They had a good childhood.”
“They’ve been influenced by a bad therapist.”
“They’re just trying to blame someone.”
And sometimes, that hurt may come out as anger toward the therapist:
- “You didn’t know anything about us.”
- “You’re giving dangerous advice.”
- “You’re doing more harm than good.”
But here’s the truth: the therapist is not the enemy.
We are trained to hold multiple truths. We know that family systems are complex. We understand that most parents love their children, and most children long for love and understanding.
But we also see the pain that can grow when that connection breaks down — even unintentionally — and we work to help the client repair it internally before they try to repair it externally.
A Snapshot of the Field: What Other Therapists Are Saying
Here are just a few reflections from therapists who participated in the Facebook discussion that inspired this article:
“I don’t encourage estrangement EVER. Boundaries yes. Clients have agency… but I’d never tell a client to cut off a parent. That’s not my job.”
“Children with secure attachments don’t just go no-contact. It’s the ones who didn’t feel seen, heard, or loved — for whatever reason.”
“Estrangement is rarely about the past alone. It’s about current behavior that continues to harm.”
“What looks like ‘cutting off’ is often a final attempt to protect oneself after years of trying everything else.”
“We don’t make that decision. We hold space while the client makes it — if they do at all.”
These voices echo what thousands of trained clinicians across the country are saying. And they come from a place of deep care — not from agendas or ideologies.
Therapeutic Models at Work: The Framework Behind the Process
Most therapists don’t just wing it. We use established frameworks like:
Motivational Interviewing (MI) to explore ambivalence without pushing an agenda.
Client-Centered Therapy to prioritize the client’s experience and autonomy.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to validate and challenge clients skillfully.
Trauma-Informed Care to understand how early experiences shape current patterns — without casting blame.
And when therapists practice within these models, we are always operating under legal, ethical, and moral responsibilities. We don’t give medical advice. We don’t encourage illegal behavior. We don’t make assumptions.
We listen. We ask. We reflect. We support.
If You Are a Parent Reading This…
I want you to hear this clearly:
Your love matters. Your pain matters. And your story matters too.
But your adult child is in therapy for them — not for you. And the best thing you can do right now is to get curious rather than defensive.
Ask yourself:
What might they be trying to heal?
What have they been unable to say until now?
What could I learn if I listened differently?
And if you feel shut out, consider seeking your own therapist — not to counter their story, but to process your own pain, your own hopes, your own growth.
Healing is not a zero-sum game. There’s room for everyone’s truth, but only if we’re willing to face it — gently, honestly, and together.
Closing Words: From Blame to Understanding
- Therapy is not an act of betrayal.
- It’s not the rejection of love.
- It’s not about punishing the past.
It’s a process of reclaiming selfhood — sometimes messy, sometimes painful — but always moving toward wholeness.
Parents, if your child has begun that process, I invite you not to stand in the way — but to stand beside them, even if from a distance, with humility, love, and a willingness to grow too.
Because therapy isn’t about tearing families apart.
It’s about giving each person the tools to show up whole.
Even if — for a while — that means showing up alone.
If you’re struggling with your adult child’s decision to begin therapy, or feeling uncertain about your role in their healing process, the following resources may offer clarity, comfort, and support:
📘 Recommended Reading
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD – A powerful and accessible guide to understanding emotional wounds and intergenerational patterns.
Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, MD – Explores the vital parent-child bond and what can disrupt or restore it.
It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn – An introduction to inherited family trauma and the science of generational healing.
Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, PhD – A helpful book for understanding and healing from childhood emotional neglect.
The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner, PhD – Offers tools for improving communication and staying connected during conflict.
🌐 Online Education & Support
The National Council on Family Relations (NCFR) – www.ncfr.org: Resources on family dynamics, parenting adult children, and emotional development.
Estranged Stories – www.estrangedstories.com: A platform sharing real stories and support for parents and adult children navigating estrangement.
Boundaries.me with Dr. Henry Cloud – www.boundaries.me: A subscription-based educational site offering practical boundary-setting tools and videos.
🔎 Find a Therapist or Family Counselor
Psychology Today Therapist Directory – www.psychologytoday.com: Search by location, specialty, and modality to find a therapist for yourself or for family work.
Inclusive Therapists – www.inclusivetherapists.com: A directory committed to connecting people with culturally responsive, trauma-informed clinicians.
🛠 Tools for Self-Reflection and Support
ACEs Questionnaire (Adverse Childhood Experiences) – A tool to help understand how early experiences may impact mental health. Available at CDC.gov/violenceprevention/aces
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) – www.cnvc.org
Learn to speak and listen with empathy, especially in high-emotion family conversations.
- Therapy Notes or Journaling Prompt
Begin by writing:
“When I think about my child’s therapy, what scares me the most is…”
“What I wish they knew about my intentions is…”
“If I were in their shoes, I might feel…”
It is my hope that this article and these resources can offer you a sense of comfort, an opportunity for understanding, and a movement toward healing.
Be well and take care…
~Bradley